"Do you know how hard it is to have perfection so close to touch, but knowing it'll never be yours to hold? Story of my life. And it took me up until Friday night to realize it as I said all of this aloud to my mother in the car. Trying to explain 'him' to my mom, trying to explain how perfect in all aspects he is, how happy I am when I'm with him even if it's just a glimpse of perfection for a night at a time. How for that one night everything that's weighing down on me some how just lifts and his smile's enough. Enough to make me forget the disaster I set myself up for every time. Enough to make me forget everything else but what is going on right then at that very moment.
Driving home, holding hands. I was so uncomfortable with how we were situated, his hand was weighing down on mine and my wrist twisted in some odd position. Painful. But I couldn't bring myself to pull my hand away from his in fear that he wouldn't go back to holding it. So I kept holding on and dealt with the minor, but significant, pain. Pretty much a metaphor for the entire relationship -- if you could even call it that.
Perfect night, but far from the first. It's the hottest day of the year so far and the night air is still warmer then it usually is most days. We pull up to our favorite beach and head down the 38743626 stairs down to the sand. Never a wave in sight, stars out and the moon literally lit up the beach like I've never seen before in my life. Lightning storms going on across the sound and not a single person in sight except for me and him. Just me and him laying on the beach talking, the same beach we've been too a handful of times before. No service for our cellphones, no interruptions from the outside world. Just us, just the way I like it. Nights like this make it all entirely worth it in the end."
And then I woke up. No one is worth putting yourself through any sort of pain, regardless how much they mean to you or how much you want to help. I've learned this over past couple of months between two particular guys in general; both circumstantial happiness for brief periods of time, never really yours to hold and never really there when you need them. One, someone I actually did think loved me at one point and made me the happiest I've ever been with someone until everything changed and the other I knew was doomed from the start but stuck around anyways.
Wake up call, walking at graduation scanning the crowd for any hope of seeing him. The same guy who had helped convinced me to stay and stick it out in school, the one who promised he would be there, the one who would tell me to suck it up and do my homework so it pays off in the end, the one who I never asked more from then what I was allowed to ask for. No chance. Half of my family made a brief appearance which hurt as well and it all just kind of hit me all at once: all I have is me. Why build up for the let down? I've never been a dumb girl, and after reading the posts that have built up in my blog never to be posted I'm beginning to second guess that. I'll always be there for someone when they need it, always be a friend with their hand out to help but that's as far as it's going to go anymore.
I'm not settling for anything less than I deserve, I'm not settling for anything less then happiness - complete happiness, and I'm not settling for any guy who I have to convince to stick around. So until than? It's me, college, my jobs, my friends, and my brand new car. Ms. Independent, let Mr. Right come out of his way to find me.
