some mild changes

So,
in the matter of the 6 months that I have not posted,
you have missed:

Prom,


and the patron that followed.


Buying my beautiful car and graduation.


My 3 summer jobs,


plus some of the perks


that went with them.


When I wasn't working 32987 hours a week this summer I spent my time wisely


and maturely.


And for some retched regretful reason decided that it was time


for a change.


Because I was started college in september and all.


So a week into my first semester I get whisked away to hawaii.


Where I swam in the pacific,


jumped out of a plane,


and decided to get a tattoo.


Ballsy, I know. Well where I could stay and write an entire blog on any one of those subjects, I'll save that for some other time.

So that brings us to present day:
where I quit 2/3 job's and became a bartender at one of the college bars


and decided that I'll be transferring next year to


so I can finally wind up exactly where I want to be:


So yeah life's pretty nuts, kinda like it. Looks like I finally have something worth writing about ;)

reality checks

So it's been over a month since I've updated my blog, let alone signed on here. So to my surprise I have a draft that I never got around to posting, probably for good reason. But why not right? I need an update...


"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all."


"Do you know how hard it is to have perfection so close to touch, but knowing it'll never be yours to hold? Story of my life. And it took me up until Friday night to realize it as I said all of this aloud to my mother in the car. Trying to explain 'him' to my mom, trying to explain how perfect in all aspects he is, how happy I am when I'm with him even if it's just a glimpse of perfection for a night at a time. How for that one night everything that's weighing down on me some how just lifts and his smile's enough. Enough to make me forget the disaster I set myself up for every time. Enough to make me forget everything else but what is going on right then at that very moment.

Driving home, holding hands. I was so uncomfortable with how we were situated, his hand was weighing down on mine and my wrist twisted in some odd position. Painful. But I couldn't bring myself to pull my hand away from his in fear that he wouldn't go back to holding it. So I kept holding on and dealt with the minor, but significant, pain. Pretty much a metaphor for the entire relationship -- if you could even call it that.


Perfect night, but far from the first. It's the hottest day of the year so far and the night air is still warmer then it usually is most days. We pull up to our favorite beach and head down the 38743626 stairs down to the sand. Never a wave in sight, stars out and the moon literally lit up the beach like I've never seen before in my life. Lightning storms going on across the sound and not a single person in sight except for me and him. Just me and him laying on the beach talking, the same beach we've been too a handful of times before. No service for our cellphones, no interruptions from the outside world. Just us, just the way I like it. Nights like this make it all entirely worth it in the end."


And then I woke up. No one is worth putting yourself through any sort of pain, regardless how much they mean to you or how much you want to help. I've learned this over past couple of months between two particular guys in general; both circumstantial happiness for brief periods of time, never really yours to hold and never really there when you need them. One, someone I actually did think loved me at one point and made me the happiest I've ever been with someone until everything changed and the other I knew was doomed from the start but stuck around anyways.

Wake up call, walking at graduation scanning the crowd for any hope of seeing him. The same guy who had helped convinced me to stay and stick it out in school, the one who promised he would be there, the one who would tell me to suck it up and do my homework so it pays off in the end, the one who I never asked more from then what I was allowed to ask for. No chance. Half of my family made a brief appearance which hurt as well and it all just kind of hit me all at once: all I have is me. Why build up for the let down? I've never been a dumb girl, and after reading the posts that have built up in my blog never to be posted I'm beginning to second guess that. I'll always be there for someone when they need it, always be a friend with their hand out to help but that's as far as it's going to go anymore.

I'm not settling for anything less than I deserve, I'm not settling for anything less then happiness - complete happiness, and I'm not settling for any guy who I have to convince to stick around. So until than? It's me, college, my jobs, my friends, and my brand new car. Ms. Independent, let Mr. Right come out of his way to find me.

long awaited.

So I've defintely been ignoring my blog for the past x amount of weeks with all the craziness going on in my life; So I havn't exactly had time to post or even had time to breathe for that matter. School's finally winding down and thank god because I've been busting my ass so bad to get to graduation which is now finally around the corner. Not to mention prom is less then a month away and I cannot cannot cannot wait.

As of yesterday I just purchased my 2010 sherri hill gown (style #2017)♥ from my favorite gown boutique in Port Jeff. But with my luck, with this being the very last dress of it's kind left on Long Island (I would know, I called all 36 other stores that called Sherri Hill and asked with little luck.) it's a size 2. Me? I'm a perfect 4. So I sucked it up, handed over my debit card, charged my prom dress of my dreams and made a promise to myself and my bank account that I would hit the gym and start dieting everyday to make sure the dress will fit by June 11th. No if's and's or but's.

But back to homework, post back soon, pinky promse.

word vomit

"...sometimes I feel like your entire life is a text from last night."

-Mariah Serrano

I love Friday's, I love getting my Sasha Fierce alter ego on, I love dancing with my clearly intoxicated bests, I love when my makeup comes out sick, I love shooting down moronic pick up lines like a bitch, I love top shelf liquor shots that I don't have to pay for, I love sending absurdly cute picture messages to a boy states away, I love my bestfriend even if I had to sit with her half the night to rub her back and keep creepy males away from her, I love mcdonalds at 4:30 a.m., I love being single, I love working like a crazy person, I love planning romantic suprises and I love my life 99% of the time except:

8 a.m. wake up calls, sleeping on a bunk bed with enough stuffed animals to populate a small country, going to work with x's of shame on my hands and having my tables call me out on it, working 12 hours without eating solid food or drinking anything else aside from coffee, guys who deny having girlfriends and end up wearing an entire bottle of soda by the end of the night, upchucking, not having a car, being single, bad tippers, and how I feel right now.

This post sucks, but I feel like absolute garbage at the moment. Tomorrow's Sunday, and it's my day off. THANK THE LORD. I'm bringing my exausted ass to bed now, goodnight loves.

'life isn't fair'

They say a pictures worth a thousand words, but sometimes I would say that I would strongly disagree with that; pictures can also leave you speechless and on the contrary have no words, let alone a thousand to say. The more I look at old pictures of when we were happy the more speechless I become. It just so happens this was the last happy picture of the collection, taken two days before the person pictured next to me lost his bestfriend... His big brother. And this picture was taken two days before I lost him as well, emotionally speaking. I have never seen pain before in my life before I saw the tragedy that hit him and his family. Tears still well up in my eyes as I write this because seeing the one person in the world that you love most going threw the most unimaginable pain and not being able to do a single thing about it is the absolute most terrible heartwrenching, vile thing I've ever been threw. Death is so permanent, so unexplicable that it leaves behind a trail of disaster that may fade somewhat over time but like a stain, it never really goes away. Drug addiction unfortunately was the culprit behind this untimely death but doesn't make it any easier or acceptable for the people I've had to see go through it. The Balzer family has been the strongest most amazing people I've witnessed and continues to fight the war against drug addiction by presenting Brian's story at local highschools in hopes that they can make a difference and save another family from experiencing the devasting blow they've had to endure. And recently seeing a good friend of mine go through this terrible process of grieving recently had brought it all rushing back to me again and opened some wounds I thought had long healed... Rest in peace Brian, your missed mire then you know. Sometimes the things we have no control over, whether it being death or losing someone your in love with, hurt even worse then they things you bring upon yourself. Goodnight guys, promise for a happier blog tomorrow.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all; memory."
-Mitch Albom

-- Post From My iPhone

Mr. Cullen and 18

The things I would do to rewind back to this day, to this place and have it on constant replay for god knows how long. Absolute perfection tied up in a huge red velvet birthday bow. The world's most beautiful 18th birthday even when my life was surrounded by nothing but chaos and disaster, that day was nothing but bliss. Nothing too out of the ordinary, nothing crazy, but I wouldn't of changed a thing. I can't even begin to tell you about the details for more reasons then I can name, but Nicholas Sparks pretty much would have himself a field day if I sent him even the briefest summary of my April 5th. But for possibly the first time in my life I've come to the realization that there's not just me involved in an equation; that there's actually a counterpart on the other end. And I've learned alot over the past few weeks and when you truly care about another human being, in any way shape or form, you put what's best for them way before any selfish wants, wishes or whims your daydreamy head is filled with. So I'll keep my perfect little memory locked up safe and sound to look back at and remember always, but at the exact same time I'll be throwing away the key and everything else that goes with it. And I'm okay with that, all of that, for some odd reason; because just seeing him smile, as his friend, is more enough for me. Guess that would make me more of a Jacob Black then a Bella Swan?


-- Post From My iPhone

Location:Ranch Dr,Shirley,United States

180

so...

i truly don't even recognize who i am anymore.

i'm listening to some screamo playlist as i write my blog.

plus i finished all my homework before starting this.

when as of three weeks ago you wouldn't catch me dead doing any of those things.

i mean, i wish i could write about some crazy day that i had

and how i had awesome makeup and a fabulous put-together outfit then went to tequila tuesdays on a school night like a rebel and danced all night long but that's not the case today.

the low down:
hoodie, dunkin' blueberry coffee, half assed makeup and zombied around school all day; sweet. a much needed nap shortly following that, then a suprisingly nice ice cream trip with a sweet friend:) not exactly a scandalous tuesday but sometimes it's just as nice to take the time out to breathe.

considering i won't be doing much breathing for the rest of the week with working two jobs, going to the gym, managing to pull off graduating, plus attempting to go out this weekend and all? oh and hopefully by some slim chance finding the time to catch city boy's first night bartending ever on friday night @local on bell ave in queens

(goodluck!!!)

and since i had all this spare time on my hands today i had the pleasure to mentally re-evaluate some of my recent and not so recent male disapointments and would just like to point out to some of the less intelligent male race that seems to occupy 99.99% of long island, but

tool is out of style.

so please for your own good pack up your bedazzled ed hardy shirts, put your blow dryers and hair gel away, steroids are not cute and PLEASE stop pumping your fists

because you will get no where fast with any female that doesn't live in a tanning bed or 2cute.

so will the sophisticated males please stand up?

because i'm done settling for less.