word vomit

"...sometimes I feel like your entire life is a text from last night."

-Mariah Serrano

I love Friday's, I love getting my Sasha Fierce alter ego on, I love dancing with my clearly intoxicated bests, I love when my makeup comes out sick, I love shooting down moronic pick up lines like a bitch, I love top shelf liquor shots that I don't have to pay for, I love sending absurdly cute picture messages to a boy states away, I love my bestfriend even if I had to sit with her half the night to rub her back and keep creepy males away from her, I love mcdonalds at 4:30 a.m., I love being single, I love working like a crazy person, I love planning romantic suprises and I love my life 99% of the time except:

8 a.m. wake up calls, sleeping on a bunk bed with enough stuffed animals to populate a small country, going to work with x's of shame on my hands and having my tables call me out on it, working 12 hours without eating solid food or drinking anything else aside from coffee, guys who deny having girlfriends and end up wearing an entire bottle of soda by the end of the night, upchucking, not having a car, being single, bad tippers, and how I feel right now.

This post sucks, but I feel like absolute garbage at the moment. Tomorrow's Sunday, and it's my day off. THANK THE LORD. I'm bringing my exausted ass to bed now, goodnight loves.

'life isn't fair'

They say a pictures worth a thousand words, but sometimes I would say that I would strongly disagree with that; pictures can also leave you speechless and on the contrary have no words, let alone a thousand to say. The more I look at old pictures of when we were happy the more speechless I become. It just so happens this was the last happy picture of the collection, taken two days before the person pictured next to me lost his bestfriend... His big brother. And this picture was taken two days before I lost him as well, emotionally speaking. I have never seen pain before in my life before I saw the tragedy that hit him and his family. Tears still well up in my eyes as I write this because seeing the one person in the world that you love most going threw the most unimaginable pain and not being able to do a single thing about it is the absolute most terrible heartwrenching, vile thing I've ever been threw. Death is so permanent, so unexplicable that it leaves behind a trail of disaster that may fade somewhat over time but like a stain, it never really goes away. Drug addiction unfortunately was the culprit behind this untimely death but doesn't make it any easier or acceptable for the people I've had to see go through it. The Balzer family has been the strongest most amazing people I've witnessed and continues to fight the war against drug addiction by presenting Brian's story at local highschools in hopes that they can make a difference and save another family from experiencing the devasting blow they've had to endure. And recently seeing a good friend of mine go through this terrible process of grieving recently had brought it all rushing back to me again and opened some wounds I thought had long healed... Rest in peace Brian, your missed mire then you know. Sometimes the things we have no control over, whether it being death or losing someone your in love with, hurt even worse then they things you bring upon yourself. Goodnight guys, promise for a happier blog tomorrow.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all; memory."
-Mitch Albom

-- Post From My iPhone

Mr. Cullen and 18

The things I would do to rewind back to this day, to this place and have it on constant replay for god knows how long. Absolute perfection tied up in a huge red velvet birthday bow. The world's most beautiful 18th birthday even when my life was surrounded by nothing but chaos and disaster, that day was nothing but bliss. Nothing too out of the ordinary, nothing crazy, but I wouldn't of changed a thing. I can't even begin to tell you about the details for more reasons then I can name, but Nicholas Sparks pretty much would have himself a field day if I sent him even the briefest summary of my April 5th. But for possibly the first time in my life I've come to the realization that there's not just me involved in an equation; that there's actually a counterpart on the other end. And I've learned alot over the past few weeks and when you truly care about another human being, in any way shape or form, you put what's best for them way before any selfish wants, wishes or whims your daydreamy head is filled with. So I'll keep my perfect little memory locked up safe and sound to look back at and remember always, but at the exact same time I'll be throwing away the key and everything else that goes with it. And I'm okay with that, all of that, for some odd reason; because just seeing him smile, as his friend, is more enough for me. Guess that would make me more of a Jacob Black then a Bella Swan?


-- Post From My iPhone

Location:Ranch Dr,Shirley,United States

180

so...

i truly don't even recognize who i am anymore.

i'm listening to some screamo playlist as i write my blog.

plus i finished all my homework before starting this.

when as of three weeks ago you wouldn't catch me dead doing any of those things.

i mean, i wish i could write about some crazy day that i had

and how i had awesome makeup and a fabulous put-together outfit then went to tequila tuesdays on a school night like a rebel and danced all night long but that's not the case today.

the low down:
hoodie, dunkin' blueberry coffee, half assed makeup and zombied around school all day; sweet. a much needed nap shortly following that, then a suprisingly nice ice cream trip with a sweet friend:) not exactly a scandalous tuesday but sometimes it's just as nice to take the time out to breathe.

considering i won't be doing much breathing for the rest of the week with working two jobs, going to the gym, managing to pull off graduating, plus attempting to go out this weekend and all? oh and hopefully by some slim chance finding the time to catch city boy's first night bartending ever on friday night @local on bell ave in queens

(goodluck!!!)

and since i had all this spare time on my hands today i had the pleasure to mentally re-evaluate some of my recent and not so recent male disapointments and would just like to point out to some of the less intelligent male race that seems to occupy 99.99% of long island, but

tool is out of style.

so please for your own good pack up your bedazzled ed hardy shirts, put your blow dryers and hair gel away, steroids are not cute and PLEASE stop pumping your fists

because you will get no where fast with any female that doesn't live in a tanning bed or 2cute.

so will the sophisticated males please stand up?

because i'm done settling for less.

couture, carrie and manolo's

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate."

Carrie Bradshaw

Meet my prom dress and weep. This would be my absolutely gorgeous couture prom dress in the making from up and coming fashion designer Mariah Serrano also known as Miss Fashion Fin. (www.missfashionfin.blogspot.com) She never ceases to amaze me in all the years I've known her but she's honestly out done herself this time and I cannot wait to see the finished product. After all the years of sleepovers filled with sex and the city re-runs, ice-cream and dreaming up where we would be at 18 it's pretty surreal to be staring at the sketch of possibly the-most-beautiful gown I've laid my eyes on and perfectly fitting to every little whim I had told her I wanted.

And naturally I'm going to have to pair my amazing dress with nothing less then the above: my heart throb and completely out-of-my-price-range graduation present to myself. But considering I work my butt off and graduating by the skin of my teeth I figured why not, I deserve them right? Every girl needs a pair. Maybe they'll be a driving force to get me the hell out of this town and get to the city where they're just as common as starbucks. And maybe it's the 'Carrie Bradshaw Influence' at such a young age but they kind of tie into any idea of a happy ending in my book so I fully intend on wearing a pair to every big monumental day in my life; prom, graduation, wedding, funeral... you know the basics? Haha I don't know if Manolo Blahnik would appreciate the morbid idea of me planning to wear a pair of his to die for heels (no pun intended on that one) in my casket ahead of time but oh well.

Dear June 11th,

please hurry up.

Sincerely,

Dorothy Marie Smith.

...P.S. SINGLE GIRL SWAG.

heavyheart

"if doing the right thing or the best thing for you was easy, no one would make bad decisions"

+'s:
It's beautiful out, graduation is two months away, the louie fund is coming along promisingly, me possibly having an internship at one of the major PR firms in NY thanks to Mr. B, ralph's cake mix italian ice, my makeup came out decent and my new (and second) job starts on Wednesday.

-'s:
I can't compete with eternalized perfection; There's no sizing up.

And some how? That one negative outweighs all the positives at the moment.

Back to my day, need to keep my mind off things so I'll post back later<3


-- Post From My iPhone

makeshift latenight blog

Sundays are my favorite. Woke up on the same couch as the amazing human being who's in charge of not only single handedly designing my prom dress but making it herself, not to mention my bestfriend. Came home put on a borrowed LBD from my cousin/roomate because everyone knows borrowed clothes always look better then your own. (Face by smashbox and mac; eyes too faced silk teddy, push up, and erotica finished off with mac liquid liner and ardell 301's) Had Sunday brunch with my family and honestly havn't laughed that hard and felt so grateful for my family in a while. Bought a blown glass bracelet I'm now in-love-with and rushed back home to find my date patiently waiting for me outside my house. My uncle then took it into his hands to do the much-necessary first date embarassment ritual which I never mind laughing off; it's nice knowing he cares. Spent the rest of my evening walking the beach and dining Italian with the city boy who never seemed to get over the fact that we actually have these crazy things called mailboxes on long island. Who knew you could find a winner in the dirtiest college bar known to mankind in Jamaica queens? But still there's...

Back to reality, there's 20 minutes left in a blissful Sunday and I have two papers to write and sleep to catch up on.


-- Post From My iPhone

Location:Propose Rd,Shirley,United States

first

life is for living, not living up tight.

and as my first full week of being 18 i can't seem to go a day without the following.

• two-faced natural eye palette
• urban decay primer potion
• ardell 105's
• miss fashion fin herself
• never before tolerable screamo
• guido infested bars
• and him.

...beauty is pain, but is pain beauty?