and the imitation situation.

So as I was just writing this blog and retrieving pictures from google about things I'm obsessed with lately, ie. MAC's nude lipstick, benefit's make-up kits, my marc by marc jacobs bag courtesy of my boyfriend, I came across something odd. The pictures that were coming up of my bag's brother-and-sister-bags actually looked more like they might be distant-cousin-bags, once removed. After some further investigating I realized that my handbag was actually the black sheep of the family; the knock off. My heart dropped. So completely disregarding the fact that anyone who knows me knows I completely despise knock off bags, I make fun of them, I make fun of girls with them, I think they're an insult to the designers who work so hard on their designs, and I think they're just plain dumb, I'm appalled. Better yet, I'm pissed. I'd rather get something small and significant that means something then an imitation bag trying to be passed off as real, for what reason? So I'd love him more?

Forget the label and sticker price, he LIED. Okay so it was rude and uncouth but when he had given me this 'early xmas present' I did ask if it was real. But in my defense it was much more of an "is it reaaal?!" out of excitement rather then an "...is it real?" And in return for my question I got a lengthy story of how he went out of his way to get it from a boutique in south hampton and that he had spent x amount of money on it. And by x I mean he told me the actual dollar amount which made me cringe because if there's something I just equally as much as fakes it's tacky price tags on gifts. But I shook it off, he was obviously trying to impress me which I found cute. I let it go and accepted my new, and first, marc jacobs bag to my collection.

So here I am, 3:45am about to write a quirky little blog about how much I love my bag and how sweet it was of my boyfriend to get it for me and having the realization that the bag and the story behind it, is phony. Call me a materialistic bitch or whatever you please but I was mad. Legitimately angry. I realized and still do realize how stupid that sounds, it is just a bag and it was adorable of him to go out of his way to get it for me regardless how much spent on it but he lied. Sure I'm not perfect, I've lied before in our relationship and so has he but for some reason this is just so far under my skin it's going to take a lot more than sweet talking and a pair of tweezers to get it out.

Is this relationship a knock-off of the real thing? Or is it real?
Whatever. Goodnight.

Operation Starvation

So Christmas is less then three weeks away, New Years following right after - so me being me, thinking way too far in advance, and over-thinking at that, I started getting a jump start on my New Years resolutions even though I've yet to write out a Xmas list for Santa? So starting today I'll be actually enforcing the strict diet I've been meaning to start, actually go to the gym as religiously as I used to, and keep up my grades in school - which surprisingly have been high lately.









College has not been kind to me when it comes to my freshman 15... Or 20, so my first semesters wrapping up and it's time this whole eating like garbage and dressing like a depressed 6th grader needs to end here. Not that I'm some crazed thin-spo anorexic girl or anything, self esteem wasn't ever really an issue for me but I'm unhappy with how I look for once so I'll change it.

I'm actually sitting in my math class now writing this, since for some reason beyond my understanding goofed on my placement test landing me in remedial math. But I just finished my now routine lunch of grapes and cheese blocks with a water bottle so I'd say I'm about 300 calories deep in my day between my special k bar for breakfast and this.









But anyways besides my neurotic weight talk, life's pretty good considering. My rocky yet lovely relationship's on a good note today, always a plus. Just got back two papers which were both B's - annoying. And I'll be booking my vacation, and Xmas present from the boyfriend, sometime in the next week to most likely the Caribbean? Which is exciting. Going away really addicting, I swear.

Location:Education Dr,Garden City,United States

some mild changes

So,
in the matter of the 6 months that I have not posted,
you have missed:

Prom,


and the patron that followed.


Buying my beautiful car and graduation.


My 3 summer jobs,


plus some of the perks


that went with them.


When I wasn't working 32987 hours a week this summer I spent my time wisely


and maturely.


And for some retched regretful reason decided that it was time


for a change.


Because I was started college in september and all.


So a week into my first semester I get whisked away to hawaii.


Where I swam in the pacific,


jumped out of a plane,


and decided to get a tattoo.


Ballsy, I know. Well where I could stay and write an entire blog on any one of those subjects, I'll save that for some other time.

So that brings us to present day:
where I quit 2/3 job's and became a bartender at one of the college bars


and decided that I'll be transferring next year to


so I can finally wind up exactly where I want to be:


So yeah life's pretty nuts, kinda like it. Looks like I finally have something worth writing about ;)

reality checks

So it's been over a month since I've updated my blog, let alone signed on here. So to my surprise I have a draft that I never got around to posting, probably for good reason. But why not right? I need an update...


"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all."


"Do you know how hard it is to have perfection so close to touch, but knowing it'll never be yours to hold? Story of my life. And it took me up until Friday night to realize it as I said all of this aloud to my mother in the car. Trying to explain 'him' to my mom, trying to explain how perfect in all aspects he is, how happy I am when I'm with him even if it's just a glimpse of perfection for a night at a time. How for that one night everything that's weighing down on me some how just lifts and his smile's enough. Enough to make me forget the disaster I set myself up for every time. Enough to make me forget everything else but what is going on right then at that very moment.

Driving home, holding hands. I was so uncomfortable with how we were situated, his hand was weighing down on mine and my wrist twisted in some odd position. Painful. But I couldn't bring myself to pull my hand away from his in fear that he wouldn't go back to holding it. So I kept holding on and dealt with the minor, but significant, pain. Pretty much a metaphor for the entire relationship -- if you could even call it that.


Perfect night, but far from the first. It's the hottest day of the year so far and the night air is still warmer then it usually is most days. We pull up to our favorite beach and head down the 38743626 stairs down to the sand. Never a wave in sight, stars out and the moon literally lit up the beach like I've never seen before in my life. Lightning storms going on across the sound and not a single person in sight except for me and him. Just me and him laying on the beach talking, the same beach we've been too a handful of times before. No service for our cellphones, no interruptions from the outside world. Just us, just the way I like it. Nights like this make it all entirely worth it in the end."


And then I woke up. No one is worth putting yourself through any sort of pain, regardless how much they mean to you or how much you want to help. I've learned this over past couple of months between two particular guys in general; both circumstantial happiness for brief periods of time, never really yours to hold and never really there when you need them. One, someone I actually did think loved me at one point and made me the happiest I've ever been with someone until everything changed and the other I knew was doomed from the start but stuck around anyways.

Wake up call, walking at graduation scanning the crowd for any hope of seeing him. The same guy who had helped convinced me to stay and stick it out in school, the one who promised he would be there, the one who would tell me to suck it up and do my homework so it pays off in the end, the one who I never asked more from then what I was allowed to ask for. No chance. Half of my family made a brief appearance which hurt as well and it all just kind of hit me all at once: all I have is me. Why build up for the let down? I've never been a dumb girl, and after reading the posts that have built up in my blog never to be posted I'm beginning to second guess that. I'll always be there for someone when they need it, always be a friend with their hand out to help but that's as far as it's going to go anymore.

I'm not settling for anything less than I deserve, I'm not settling for anything less then happiness - complete happiness, and I'm not settling for any guy who I have to convince to stick around. So until than? It's me, college, my jobs, my friends, and my brand new car. Ms. Independent, let Mr. Right come out of his way to find me.

long awaited.

So I've defintely been ignoring my blog for the past x amount of weeks with all the craziness going on in my life; So I havn't exactly had time to post or even had time to breathe for that matter. School's finally winding down and thank god because I've been busting my ass so bad to get to graduation which is now finally around the corner. Not to mention prom is less then a month away and I cannot cannot cannot wait.

As of yesterday I just purchased my 2010 sherri hill gown (style #2017)♥ from my favorite gown boutique in Port Jeff. But with my luck, with this being the very last dress of it's kind left on Long Island (I would know, I called all 36 other stores that called Sherri Hill and asked with little luck.) it's a size 2. Me? I'm a perfect 4. So I sucked it up, handed over my debit card, charged my prom dress of my dreams and made a promise to myself and my bank account that I would hit the gym and start dieting everyday to make sure the dress will fit by June 11th. No if's and's or but's.

But back to homework, post back soon, pinky promse.

word vomit

"...sometimes I feel like your entire life is a text from last night."

-Mariah Serrano

I love Friday's, I love getting my Sasha Fierce alter ego on, I love dancing with my clearly intoxicated bests, I love when my makeup comes out sick, I love shooting down moronic pick up lines like a bitch, I love top shelf liquor shots that I don't have to pay for, I love sending absurdly cute picture messages to a boy states away, I love my bestfriend even if I had to sit with her half the night to rub her back and keep creepy males away from her, I love mcdonalds at 4:30 a.m., I love being single, I love working like a crazy person, I love planning romantic suprises and I love my life 99% of the time except:

8 a.m. wake up calls, sleeping on a bunk bed with enough stuffed animals to populate a small country, going to work with x's of shame on my hands and having my tables call me out on it, working 12 hours without eating solid food or drinking anything else aside from coffee, guys who deny having girlfriends and end up wearing an entire bottle of soda by the end of the night, upchucking, not having a car, being single, bad tippers, and how I feel right now.

This post sucks, but I feel like absolute garbage at the moment. Tomorrow's Sunday, and it's my day off. THANK THE LORD. I'm bringing my exausted ass to bed now, goodnight loves.

'life isn't fair'

They say a pictures worth a thousand words, but sometimes I would say that I would strongly disagree with that; pictures can also leave you speechless and on the contrary have no words, let alone a thousand to say. The more I look at old pictures of when we were happy the more speechless I become. It just so happens this was the last happy picture of the collection, taken two days before the person pictured next to me lost his bestfriend... His big brother. And this picture was taken two days before I lost him as well, emotionally speaking. I have never seen pain before in my life before I saw the tragedy that hit him and his family. Tears still well up in my eyes as I write this because seeing the one person in the world that you love most going threw the most unimaginable pain and not being able to do a single thing about it is the absolute most terrible heartwrenching, vile thing I've ever been threw. Death is so permanent, so unexplicable that it leaves behind a trail of disaster that may fade somewhat over time but like a stain, it never really goes away. Drug addiction unfortunately was the culprit behind this untimely death but doesn't make it any easier or acceptable for the people I've had to see go through it. The Balzer family has been the strongest most amazing people I've witnessed and continues to fight the war against drug addiction by presenting Brian's story at local highschools in hopes that they can make a difference and save another family from experiencing the devasting blow they've had to endure. And recently seeing a good friend of mine go through this terrible process of grieving recently had brought it all rushing back to me again and opened some wounds I thought had long healed... Rest in peace Brian, your missed mire then you know. Sometimes the things we have no control over, whether it being death or losing someone your in love with, hurt even worse then they things you bring upon yourself. Goodnight guys, promise for a happier blog tomorrow.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all; memory."
-Mitch Albom

-- Post From My iPhone

Mr. Cullen and 18

The things I would do to rewind back to this day, to this place and have it on constant replay for god knows how long. Absolute perfection tied up in a huge red velvet birthday bow. The world's most beautiful 18th birthday even when my life was surrounded by nothing but chaos and disaster, that day was nothing but bliss. Nothing too out of the ordinary, nothing crazy, but I wouldn't of changed a thing. I can't even begin to tell you about the details for more reasons then I can name, but Nicholas Sparks pretty much would have himself a field day if I sent him even the briefest summary of my April 5th. But for possibly the first time in my life I've come to the realization that there's not just me involved in an equation; that there's actually a counterpart on the other end. And I've learned alot over the past few weeks and when you truly care about another human being, in any way shape or form, you put what's best for them way before any selfish wants, wishes or whims your daydreamy head is filled with. So I'll keep my perfect little memory locked up safe and sound to look back at and remember always, but at the exact same time I'll be throwing away the key and everything else that goes with it. And I'm okay with that, all of that, for some odd reason; because just seeing him smile, as his friend, is more enough for me. Guess that would make me more of a Jacob Black then a Bella Swan?


-- Post From My iPhone

Location:Ranch Dr,Shirley,United States

180

so...

i truly don't even recognize who i am anymore.

i'm listening to some screamo playlist as i write my blog.

plus i finished all my homework before starting this.

when as of three weeks ago you wouldn't catch me dead doing any of those things.

i mean, i wish i could write about some crazy day that i had

and how i had awesome makeup and a fabulous put-together outfit then went to tequila tuesdays on a school night like a rebel and danced all night long but that's not the case today.

the low down:
hoodie, dunkin' blueberry coffee, half assed makeup and zombied around school all day; sweet. a much needed nap shortly following that, then a suprisingly nice ice cream trip with a sweet friend:) not exactly a scandalous tuesday but sometimes it's just as nice to take the time out to breathe.

considering i won't be doing much breathing for the rest of the week with working two jobs, going to the gym, managing to pull off graduating, plus attempting to go out this weekend and all? oh and hopefully by some slim chance finding the time to catch city boy's first night bartending ever on friday night @local on bell ave in queens

(goodluck!!!)

and since i had all this spare time on my hands today i had the pleasure to mentally re-evaluate some of my recent and not so recent male disapointments and would just like to point out to some of the less intelligent male race that seems to occupy 99.99% of long island, but

tool is out of style.

so please for your own good pack up your bedazzled ed hardy shirts, put your blow dryers and hair gel away, steroids are not cute and PLEASE stop pumping your fists

because you will get no where fast with any female that doesn't live in a tanning bed or 2cute.

so will the sophisticated males please stand up?

because i'm done settling for less.

couture, carrie and manolo's

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate."

Carrie Bradshaw

Meet my prom dress and weep. This would be my absolutely gorgeous couture prom dress in the making from up and coming fashion designer Mariah Serrano also known as Miss Fashion Fin. (www.missfashionfin.blogspot.com) She never ceases to amaze me in all the years I've known her but she's honestly out done herself this time and I cannot wait to see the finished product. After all the years of sleepovers filled with sex and the city re-runs, ice-cream and dreaming up where we would be at 18 it's pretty surreal to be staring at the sketch of possibly the-most-beautiful gown I've laid my eyes on and perfectly fitting to every little whim I had told her I wanted.

And naturally I'm going to have to pair my amazing dress with nothing less then the above: my heart throb and completely out-of-my-price-range graduation present to myself. But considering I work my butt off and graduating by the skin of my teeth I figured why not, I deserve them right? Every girl needs a pair. Maybe they'll be a driving force to get me the hell out of this town and get to the city where they're just as common as starbucks. And maybe it's the 'Carrie Bradshaw Influence' at such a young age but they kind of tie into any idea of a happy ending in my book so I fully intend on wearing a pair to every big monumental day in my life; prom, graduation, wedding, funeral... you know the basics? Haha I don't know if Manolo Blahnik would appreciate the morbid idea of me planning to wear a pair of his to die for heels (no pun intended on that one) in my casket ahead of time but oh well.

Dear June 11th,

please hurry up.

Sincerely,

Dorothy Marie Smith.

...P.S. SINGLE GIRL SWAG.

heavyheart

"if doing the right thing or the best thing for you was easy, no one would make bad decisions"

+'s:
It's beautiful out, graduation is two months away, the louie fund is coming along promisingly, me possibly having an internship at one of the major PR firms in NY thanks to Mr. B, ralph's cake mix italian ice, my makeup came out decent and my new (and second) job starts on Wednesday.

-'s:
I can't compete with eternalized perfection; There's no sizing up.

And some how? That one negative outweighs all the positives at the moment.

Back to my day, need to keep my mind off things so I'll post back later<3


-- Post From My iPhone

makeshift latenight blog

Sundays are my favorite. Woke up on the same couch as the amazing human being who's in charge of not only single handedly designing my prom dress but making it herself, not to mention my bestfriend. Came home put on a borrowed LBD from my cousin/roomate because everyone knows borrowed clothes always look better then your own. (Face by smashbox and mac; eyes too faced silk teddy, push up, and erotica finished off with mac liquid liner and ardell 301's) Had Sunday brunch with my family and honestly havn't laughed that hard and felt so grateful for my family in a while. Bought a blown glass bracelet I'm now in-love-with and rushed back home to find my date patiently waiting for me outside my house. My uncle then took it into his hands to do the much-necessary first date embarassment ritual which I never mind laughing off; it's nice knowing he cares. Spent the rest of my evening walking the beach and dining Italian with the city boy who never seemed to get over the fact that we actually have these crazy things called mailboxes on long island. Who knew you could find a winner in the dirtiest college bar known to mankind in Jamaica queens? But still there's...

Back to reality, there's 20 minutes left in a blissful Sunday and I have two papers to write and sleep to catch up on.


-- Post From My iPhone

Location:Propose Rd,Shirley,United States

first

life is for living, not living up tight.

and as my first full week of being 18 i can't seem to go a day without the following.

• two-faced natural eye palette
• urban decay primer potion
• ardell 105's
• miss fashion fin herself
• never before tolerable screamo
• guido infested bars
• and him.

...beauty is pain, but is pain beauty?